It was worth it for this

We all go through hard times, and most of us in retrospect are able to say “it was worth it” because we recognise that a certain refining has taken place and we are now stronger or wiser because of the pressure we have endured or the challenge we have overcome.

Childbirth is an obvious example, where the most excruciating pain leads to indescribable joy. Or completing a long-distance race and knowing the satisfaction of finishing will more than make up for the inconvenience of muscle cramp, fatigue and dehydration. Mothers and athletes will agree, ‘it was worth it.’ That’s why babies have siblings and athletes have trophy cabinets.

There have been times in my life, however, when I have questioned – and am still not sure – whether any amount of ‘good’ at the end of the pain could make the suffering worthwhile.  New shoots appear after a bushfire but does that make the devastation worth it?

Telling someone who is suffering greatly “it will all be worth it” is dangerous ground. Yes, God can bring beauty from ashes and there can certainly be purpose to the pain. But I wouldn’t choose to do it again in the same way I would repeat childbirth or a long-distance race, and I wouldn’t wish my particular journey of suffering upon anyone else.

Thankfully, the hard things I am facing right now are not like that. Rather, they are the result of moving countries, changing jobs, parenting teens and navigating the new and unknown. And in these stormy times, when I feel like I am drowning in decision-making and being tossed about by waves of doubt and discouragement, I am buoyed by this very phrase: “it was worth it for this.” Moving back to Australia and particularly stepping into 2024 has been hard – is hard. Stressful. Busy. Stuee and I miss our old jobs and the school community we were a part of. But Zara has a loyal and life-giving group of school friends here – it was worth it for this. Felicity is thriving at church, singing in the Youth band and being encouraged to preach her first mini-sermon – it was worth it for this. Liam is about to start University – it better be worth it for this, ‘cause this was the main reason we came! For Stuee, it has already been worth it to establish our family home and finally contribute to superannuation! For me, it has been worth it to reconnect with friends, family and nature (I am obsessed with Australia’s trees, birds, beach and big, beautiful sky) and to finish my Graduate Diploma of Divinity.

I trust that we will gather a lot more ‘it-was-worth-it-for-this’ moments this year and I hope that Stuee and I can continue to be honest with our struggles without discouraging those around us. It’s not all good, but there is definitely good coming out of it for every member of our family. In 2024, this will be my hashtag #itwasworthitforthis

No second chances

Before I walked out of our apartment and out of my marriage on Thursday 14th June 2018, my husband was on his knees, literally, begging for a second chance. And yet I didn’t turn back. He was playing the song that I walked down the aisle to 19 and a half years earlier. He had bought flowers that were as close in colour and kind as those in my wedding bouquet. His heart was desperate; but my mine was resolute. And broken.

I flew out of Prague with the children 5 days later and went to a place of refuge, where I thought I could begin healing. Something I had been ‘learning’ all my life but had never had the opportunity to test was now realised in my heart – that Christ was, is and will forever be enough for me; He was all I needed.

Some people may think that I changed my mind and gave my husband – gave our marriage – a second chance. But that is not what happened. I actually wasn’t willing to do that. I couldn’t give a second chance to someone I had no faith or trust in anymore. The risk was too great and the pain was too deep.

My heart did not respond to desperate cries from my lost husband that day. But it did respond to a gentle invitation, just ten days later, from Jesus himself. He invited me to follow Him into a bold and reckless plan, and to trust Him with whatever the outcome. It was cunning and it was slightly crazy, but my God had never failed me yet and so I said yes, and with slight giddiness in my heart, booked a flight that would arrive in Melbourne two hours before Stuee’s plane. I would surprise him at the arrivals. Completely uncertain of the future, I was completely at peace in God’s hands.  

Many Christians would say that God gives second chances, and third, and fourth… But I heard something expressed this morning that resonated deep within and brought me, and my husband, to tears in our loungeroom. “God isn’t the God of second-chances. He is the God of new-beginnings.”

A second chance is given to someone who has hopefully learned a lesson from their mistake and, in good faith, is entrusted to ‘do the right thing’ from here on. God doesn’t do that because He knows that in our humanity and weakness, we would continue to fail, over and over and over and over. Instead, through Christ on the cross, God offers us a new beginning. A new heart. A new LIFE! We get to be born, all over again and to live, not in our humanity and weakness, but in his spirit-filled power and strength! That happened for my husband, in a hospital in the Czech Republic (that’s its own story). But it also happened for our marriage, at Melbourne airport on June 26th, 2018. When my husband walked through the arrival gate and saw me standing there, he fell to his knees and wept. This time, his heart was not desperate and there was no begging. Our hearts were both surrendered to Jesus, in awe of what He had already done and believing that He would continue.

The almost two years that have followed have been filled with joy but laced with pain. Healing hurts. And even though I live in the power of Christ, I also live with the sadness of memories, the torment of unanswered questions, and my struggle with lies and with shame.

I heard recently that the extent to which you are willing to share your story is the extent to which you are able to receive healing. I share my story – repeatedly- because I believe it carries the power of the cross and it offers freedom and hope to others. I am not whole because my marriage ‘worked out.’ I am whole because Jesus has healed my broken heart. My husband and I – and our marriage – are full of life today because Jesus is alive and he breathed his resurrection-life into us. Believers, what has Jesus resurrected in you, your life, your family?

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (2Cor. 5:17)

Do you want all that I have for you?

I had just preached/spoken/shared (whatever you want to call it) my first ‘message’ at a ladies’ retreat day at Werribee Baptist Church. I was in my late twenties and I felt completely aware of the fact that I hadn’t ‘lived’ enough life to have anything worthy of sharing, or impacting others with. Yet, I faithfully prepared, and in my preparation and through my self-doubts, God taught me that having a dramatic ‘story’ was not the essential element, but rather a willing heart. It is His story, after all, that I am called to preach.

The day after the women’s retreat, I sat quietly with God, thanking Him for His amazing outpouring of power and grace upon us the previous day. I was so glad it had gone well, and so relieved it was over. In my journal, I wrote something like this, “Lord, thank you so much that you used me and you spoke through me. And now, please, may I never have to do something this scary every again.”

He answered me, quietly, with a question:

  • Do you want all that I have for you?

I cried.

“Yes! Of course I do!” my heart replied. And in that moment, I accepted, albeit reluctantly, that part of His calling on my life was to use me to share His story; His message with others, in a public-speaking context. It wasn’t my idea or dream or even desire (the public speaking part), but I knew that as I said yes to Him in this, He would give me all that I needed in order to do it.

At least, I thought, I’d have a bit of respite, and time to recover from the emotional and mental exhaustion of this first event. Maybe, if I was lucky, it would be a few months, or years before I was ever asked to do something like that again. It was three hours. The next act of obedience was a short, seven minute Good Friday reflection on one of the statements of Jesus from the cross. After that, I did get some reprieve 😉

My husband and I, and our three children moved from Australia to the UAE, then to the Czech Republic and now we live in Vietnam. In our travels and adventures I am continuing to learn what it means to step into ‘all God has for me.’ He continues to invite me into experiencing more of Him – of knowing Him more- and He continues to blow my mind with what that reveals, and what it requires of me. Eighteen months ago, for the first time in my life-long love affair with Jesus, I sat on my bedroom floor, crying, “I don’t think I want it, Jesus. If this is what your ‘all that I have for you’ looks like, I don’t think I want it.” The invitation wasn’t to preach, but to continue in the restoration and forgiveness process God had begun in my marriage. But I felt so defeated and hopeless in that moment. It was just. too. hard.

But I do; I do want all that He has for me, most of the time. Because He is faithful. And His plans for me are ALWAYS good. This blog is a collection of reflections of the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God over my life. It is my heart’s desire that readers will be invited into a deeper ‘knowing’ of Jesus too. Do you want all that He has for you?

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus your own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.